Jimmy Kimmel at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
President Obama wanted to move the [Correspondents’] Dinner to the Kennedy Center this year but the Republicans wanted to keep it here at the Hilton. So they compromised and here we are at the Hilton.
Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report:
Axe body spray has a new product for women. I’m guessing it’s mace.
I guess it isn’t so much a quote as it is a 3 minute video, but i is brilliant and worth the click, I assure you. I think this is the best segment of the whole series so far. It is from Season 1, episode 3.
And what’s really tragic is the clip ends before some of the best lines. I don’t know why GSN ended it there other than to make you watch the whole series. But what happens next is the kid, Cooper, starts humming the theme song to the movie The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. How does a kid know a theme song to a classic Eastwood movie? So well that he can hum it when he’s dragged on stage? Then, picking up on that cue, Jeff and Ryan decide to fight their rival truck company. Ryan starts by punching someone while Cooper makes the fistfight sound effects including literally, in his words, “internal bleeding”, “doctor bills”, and “$1000 of damage”. Jeff says “how much” damage and Ryan answers “Maybe a grand, I dunno”. And as the clip ends, Jeff worries “we’re going to get in trouble” and the woman makes a siren noise that sounds more European than American and Jeff finishes his sentence “in England”. Brilliant, just brilliant.
On the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, a montage of Fox News pundits talking about liberals ends with Sean Hannity saying the following:
It’s so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don’t hear this coming from conservatives about liberals.
Jon Stewart comments:
You don’t? You should watch this show tonight. We made a big montage of that. That, my friends, that’s my favorite. That one right there. “So vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don’t hear [it] coming from conservatives about liberals”. That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range organically-grown disingenuous ideologically-marinated unselfawareness I’ve ever seen in the wild.
From The Daily Show
John Boehner in a press conference in July 11: The president and I do not agree on his view that government needs more revenues through taxes on job creators
Jon Stewart’s response: Higher taxes on job creators!? What are you supposed to do with that? It’s like a doctor consulting with a patient who believes strictly in magic.
It’s a great quote, but then the next segment needs to be included in its entirety:
| Dancing on the Ceiling – Tax Cut Religion | |
Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report:
A new study has found that men like to cuddle. And another new study shows that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Click on the image to go to the original
Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report:
The first Republican debate is tomorrow night; good seats are still available… on stage!
Sheldon and Penny discussing Amy Farrah Fowler’s new affliction on The Big Bang Theory:
Penny: Are you saying that Amy is, uh, what’s the scientific word?
Sheldon: Forget science; she’s horny.
Penny: Oh, okay, wow.
Sheldon: It’s simple biology, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Penny: Are you sure?
Sheldon: What are you suggesting?
Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges.
Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.
Sam Bee, on The Daily Show:
North Korea has no money, no food, no electricity – they’re a hostility-based economy and even hostility-based economies have not been immune to the recent downturn. The recent bombing is their stimulus package.
Not only is it funny, but I think there’s more than a grain of truth to it.
